I would walk for hours on my own through London, I would get off at Liverpool street and wonder for ours.if it was cold I would stay in the underground part where the shops were, m and s,  waterstones
I can’t be intimate. He touches me and I curl up and say stop please, he tries again and I say please don’t, he then tries again all he wants is to intimate and I can’t. I explain I don’t know y and that its not him that I don’t find him attractive but its me I just don’t want to be touched in that way as I can’t explain it! I then move to the living room and try to write how I’m feeling.all these messed up, fucked up emotions of my past and I don’t know how to handle it! I don’t want to loose him I love him so much as he’s too young to understand what is happening to me and not take it personally.its natural hell I would and have when he has said in the past I don’t want to have sex when I have asked just to punish me and show me how it feels. What he doesn’t get is I know how it feels so badly. I just can’t control or explain it to anyone and the worst part is its almost a year this has been going on for and I don’t know y! I know I feel like doing it more when I’m happier but the past year I don’t even want to do it when I feel happy. What the hell is happening to me! Why can no one explain it to me! It’s 2:46am Thursday 20th dec 2012 and my boyfriend has come straight from work 3hrs ago, even tho he has to morn in the morning reLy and has an 1 drive just to be with me and I feel like shit because of what’s just happened sitting on the sofa while he’s in bed feeling just as shit I imagine! I haven’t taken my citalopram for 3days as I finished them and I’ve felt so depressed that I haven’t left the house in over a wk. I want even bare to wash my clothes. They are piled high I. The spare bedroom, three large laundry bags just sitting there waiting for me to sort out, to take charge and I just can’t even bare to look at them. I manage to just about wash the plates as I can’t bare to seem them lying in the sink, they haunt me! I cook for him if when he’s here if not i don’t eat, I dont want to cook just for me I don’t want to o anything if its just for me. I starve myself, I don’t eat for days sometimes unless u count a biscuit and a tea full of sugar as I feel I’m going to faint due to lack of energy and dizzy spells. Tonight was one of my worst sensations, I have to start my cycle and 2weeks before hand I start to feel like crap, hormones going crazy and I doesn’t help that I have a hormone imbalance I discovered last year.i went to win pole st in London to see an endocrinologist, I’m lucky that I have bupa private health insurance. I looked up my symptoms online, tired, sluggish, loss of appetite, sickness, low iron, mood swings, no interest in anything, anyway and I came up with that department. Describe what an endocrinologist does….. Then the treatment I had for it, iron infusions, blood tests, steroids and of course therapy and citalopram. Then go bk to the symptoms of pms I bet before during and after my cycle…..