I’m off the rails. Was that their way of pulling me back? I had become too independent? I didn’t listen to my aunt and dad anymore?
I don’t know what was real anymore. I replay it over and over, in my head and it doesn’t make sense to me. Could I have imagined the whole thing? Was it because I was off my meds? Did I really hear all those voices? 
They tell me it wasn’t real I imagined it all. Is that so I will forget? If so I have forgotten a lot but remember a lot also. I will never know who is telling me the truth. And the one place I should be able to collect those answers I can’t as my mind is fucked up!! I hate myself. I wanted to achieve so much as yet I fall each time. How much longer does it have to be this way? I take meds I try to live a normal life I want to work. I wanted that job I was offered it and yet I turned it down as I know my body couldn’t handle the stress I’d be bed bound for days weeks as before. I wanted so much to be independent from everyone stand on my own two feet ad yet I just keep crashing down needing their help to stand up again and again and again. Ill never be free from anyone. I will always need help and I hate that! I hate feeling sorry for myself! I hate myself!